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Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Never forget.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.