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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.