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I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
🙂🐾
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.