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Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
me doing my best
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?