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Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
With a text.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.