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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Sending in my taxes
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*