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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
j o i m p
Do not go gentle into that good night,
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor鈥檚 hand* not yet
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Joke鈥檚 on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
馃幎 Ain鈥檛 no sunshine when cheese gone.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that鈥檚 just chemicals, don鈥檛 worry about it.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you鈥檙e alive
Me: can I just text them