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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
God has abandoned us.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
need him
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
9 circles of hell in this economy?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.