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Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.