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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)