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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
checking out some reviews of my local library
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´･ω･)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match