You Might Also Like
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
