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SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Ah..makes sense now
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
time machine? you mean a clock?
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.