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i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
linkedin the good parts
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”