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If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
dictator is short for richard potato
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
