You Might Also Like
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?