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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.