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If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.