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I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*