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Van Gone
I feel this so hard
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.