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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
