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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Oh boy, $150,000!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.