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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Love it! 👍😂
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.