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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?