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What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now