You Might Also Like
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*