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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.