Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.