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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Twitter is like a mental hospital where everyone thinks they are the only sane person and everyone else is crazy.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.