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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Is this anything
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.