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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
They got a point!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!