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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey