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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Last-minute gift idea!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!