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a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Limited budget
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW