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Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
😭😭
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.