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Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir