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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants