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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
#CatsOnTwitter
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.