You Might Also Like
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
🤣
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
