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In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it