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😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My Guy
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.