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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
#dalle2
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.