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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
who named him groot and not spruce lee
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence