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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Friday night party time 🥳
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!