You Might Also Like
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Interviewer: “Your rĂ©sumĂ© says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”