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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️