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When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.