You Might Also Like
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Unimpressed
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.