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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
why no one uses midhusbands
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.