You Might Also Like
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?