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i wish all
whales
a very
big
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
This 4th of July, please remember…
