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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners