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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
This is not me but this is me
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me