You Might Also Like
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I need a headline like this
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works