You Might Also Like
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
marvel comics have peaked
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”