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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby