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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*pokes sex life with a stick
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
the internet really was better 18 years ago
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.