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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
live, laugh, laundry.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years