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Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝