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December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.