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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
tinder is all about the long game
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Pickled cat.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS