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ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.