You Might Also Like
NOT all policemen are strippers.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo