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A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Anyone want a chair?
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”