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*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
“you changed” bro i was 15
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.