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I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’m giving up ice.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax