You Might Also Like
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
thanks auntie mary
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.