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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!